I’ve just arrived home from a spontaneous 24-hour round-trip to Melbourne. I’ve been to Melbourne many times before, but each time I seem to forget just how cool a city it is, and just how uncool I am. Here, I’ve compiled a short, sharp and sweet guide to being cool in Melbourne.
First and foremost, wear sneakers and jeans. I’m being deadly serious. Melbourne’s CBD is full of small but painful hills which will shock your lazy bottom. Comfortable shoes are a must. However, this practical look works only if you wear seriously trendy jeans, and seriously trendy sneakers. Extra street credentials will be gained for limited edition sneakers, and if your skinny jeans are rolled to reveal sexy bare ankles. Other styling tips: wear black, button all of your shirt-buttons including the uncomfortable one at your neck, wear tortoiseshell reading-glasses even if your eyesight is 20/20, and get a coloured tattoo on either your neck, forearm or both.
Do not order a soy latte under any circumstance. Ideally, coffee should be drunk long and black. If you absolutely must have milk, make it almond or coconut. Melbourne has long realised that soy milk provides little to no health benefits, thus it has been shunned. Drinking milk from an actual cow is completely out of the question. Add an extra shot.
Paying for public transport is for suckers and tourists. When illegally taking the tram, act lawfully and confidently. When you realise that you are travelling in the wrong direction, play it cool. Get off at the next stop, cross to the other side of the road and jump onto a tram heading in the exact direction from which you came. Do not, under any circumstance, ask for help or directions. Use Google Maps as it will be the only thing in Melbourne that does not judge you.
When it starts raining, which it will, act completely unflustered. Don’t you dare take out your umbrella. You may casually pull your hood over your hair, but do not run for shelter. Head into the nearest café, order a Prana Chai latte and wait until the rain passes (which it will).
All of the world’s most attractive beings appear to have settled and bred like rabbits in Melbourne. Do not gawk at every good-looking person you see, as you will never stop gawking. Look subtly from your peripheral vision, but do not stare openly or stupidly. Do not allow your bottom jaw to drop, and please, do not drool. If you have a thing for immaculately trimmed beards, I suggest you wear sunglasses.
If you follow this guide correctly, your experience as a tourist in Melbourne will be undoubtedly much cooler than mine.