12.49pm. I’m late. Surely that time is wrong. Better step on it. Oh shit, now the petrol light’s on. To fill or not to fill? That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune…What on earth is a sling? Shakespeare must have been on something. I haven’t heard this song in years! Cranks up volume. It’s gettin’ hot in
here herre (so hot), so take off all your clothes…Whatever happened to Nelly? And what exactly was with that face Band-Aid? Outrageous fortune not misfortune, silly billy. 12.53pm. Yellow light. You can do it! GO GIRL! Red light. F*ck. Wow, this street is so pretty! I can’t believe I’ve never noticed it before! Who knew we had Cherry Blossoms in Australia? When I grow up, I’m going to live on this street. I’m going to go to Japan, too. Okay, that guy is extremely good-looking. And fit. Speeds up. His legs are quite possibly the sexiest things I’ve ever seen. They’re definitely better than mine. Totally unfair. 12.58pm. Hmm, I quite like this song. Don’t think I’ve heard it before. Shazam. Ed Sheeran, how embarrassing. I refuse to have an Ed Sheeran song in my iTunes. It’s so good though…1.04pm. IS THAT THE TIME? I’m late, I’m late, I’m so, so late. Petrol light starts flashing. Oh please, not now. Don’t do this to me. I will literally bet you a million dollars that this slow driver in front of me is either old, or a woman. Changes lanes. I knew it – old and female. Is it sexist of me to think that, even though I too, am female? Probably. Get a damn move on, b*tch! Sorry, that’s harsh. I should stop swearing. 1.12pm. How far above the speed limit can I go without losing my licence? And how far down is this bloody turn-off? I better not have missed it. Sneezes five times in a row. Holy cow, that was so scary! It’s a miracle I didn’t crash! Thank-you, traffic gods! 1.17pm. Okay, where the bloody hell am I? I guess I’ll just drive around until something looks familiar. Phone rings. Shitzen, they’re waiting for me. Again. Can I blame the traffic? 1.31pm. Turns off engine. Leaves car lights on. Battery goes flat.
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