Dear Everyone (except my friend Genevieve because she’s worse than I am and that’s saying something),
I’ve never denied the fact that I’m quite bad with my phone. I’m the first to admit it. But you continue to tell me fifteen thousand times each day, so I suppose it’s time I said “sorry”.
Actually, maybe “sorry” isn’t the right word. I said “sorry” once because I was late to work. And then I said “sorry” everyday after that because, well, I was late all of those days too. Then my boss told me that my “sorry” would only be accepted if I please changed my habits and turned up to work on time. This is yet to happen, thus my “sorry” is yet to count. So what I’m getting at is this: I won’t say “sorry” for never messaging you, calling you, or answering your phone calls, because I don’t intend on doing so. Ever.
I hate phones. There, I’ve said it. I hate the fact that I can be interrupted when I’m laying on my couch watching TV, or when I’m at the gym, or studying, or when I’m listening to music and your bloody phone call silences the song and I’m forced to wait it out for six long rings. I hate text-messages because you’re expected to return them and I really don’t want to. You see, I’d have to think about what to say and which emojis to use and whether to ask you a question and keep our conversation going or to just end it bluntly with an “OK”. Once I accidently sent someone a winking face 😉 instead of a smiley face 🙂 and it was by far the most awkward thing that has ever happened to me. I hate phone calls especially because you can’t see the person’s face and I’m not very good at picking up on sarcasm so I wouldn’t know whether they’re joking or serious and that usually gets uncomfortable. I hate the fact that it’s your choice to phone or message me, but it becomes my duty to reply. It’s like you’re giving me a job to do without my having any say in the matter, and I don’t think that’s entirely fair. While we’re at it, I hate Facebook messages and wall posts too. In fact, wall posts on Facebook are the worst because they’re public so all of your friends see that you haven’t replied and then they hate you.
You may be surprised to learn that I actually do check my phone. Really, I do. Usually once a day, right before I fall asleep. But by this time I’m too tired to actually respond to your messages (not that I would have in the first place) and it’s much too late to call you back, so I set out to do it in the morning then forget completely. When I do remember your messages in the morning, which is rare, I figure that my reply is already so late that doing so now would be pointless.
Apparently my reputation for being difficult to contact is so bad amongst some circles, that many individuals have stopped text-messaging me altogether. Funnily enough, this was my intention all along. You see, now that I’ve successfully achieved the reputation of being bad with my phone, it has become okay for me to be bad with my phone. Most people in my life have stopped expecting me to actually answer their calls or respond to their text-messages, so now I don’t have to. It’s great! But for those of you who continue to be disappointed and surprised by my lack of contact via phone, I apologise.
Don’t take it personally. You’re a wonderful person and I appreciate your trying to contact me but I’d rather you didn’t. Sorry.