I’ve become quite used to treading a fine line between offending people and making people laugh. I hope to never offend in the way of racism, sexism or any other ‘-ism’, but I can’t help offending in the way of telling someone I hate the name Casper before discovering that the person’s newborn son happens to be called Casper. Oops.
Therefore, in an effort to protect both myself and you, my reader, I urge anyone who loves cats to please refrain from reading this post. I am going to talk at length about how much I hate them (cats that is), and all cat-lovers will most certainly be offended. So please, I urge you, cat-lover (why?), to head on over to YouTube where you will find an abundance of funny cat videos, none of which are funny, and all of which are very, very disturbing. Cheerio!
If you’re still reading this, I assume you hate cats too. I like you.
So. The other day a man came into my workplace to buy presents for his niece and nephew. “Aren’t you a wonderful uncle! Are these Christmas presents?” “Not really. I just thought I’d buy them a little something to cheer them up because their dad ran over the cat while pulling out of the driveway with the kids in the car.” Insert unbearably long and awkward silence here. “Oh, how sad” I replied, failing in my uncomfortable attempt to refrain from laughing. Meanwhile, my co-worker starts laughing so hard that she begins choking. (Also funny.)
I know I shouldn’t laugh. I know I’m insensitive. I know that the death of this cat has saddened two young children, but I just can’t help myself. As far as I’m concerned, the best cat is a flat cat. While I wrapped the man’s presents, our conversation continued:
“Do you think they’ll get a new cat?” “Maybe not straight away. They need time to heal. They can share my cat until they’re ready.” “Oh, you’ve got a cat too! How lovely!” (The lies come thick and fast. That’s working in retail for you.) “Yeah, it’s a Sphynx. One of those bald ones.” “How sweet! What’s it’s name?” “She’s called Bella. Because she’s beautiful.” (That, dear sir, I highly doubt.) Now, if there’s one thing worse than a cat, it’s a bald one. If ‘normal’ household cats aren’t bad enough, this man brought hairless cats into the equation. I mean this with every atom of my being: hairless cats are the most revolting things on our planet Earth. They make me feel sick. Our world would be an astronomically better place if they didn’t exist. Oh boy. Now I’m dreaming about a world without cats, and what a wonderful dream it is! Am I dreaming of Heaven? Here’s hoping so.
Anyway, the moral of the story is this:
People who own cats are psychopaths. And if every dog looks like its owner (FYI: dogs are awesome), then every cat is a psychopath too.