How To Attract Nice Boys, According To My Greek Grandmother

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Random Banter

Yesterday I went to visit my Yia Yia (translation: Greek grandmother). We spent the afternoon drinking chai (tea), watching The Bold and the Beautiful (“That Brooke she so stupid”), and discussing her electricity bill (riveting). You see, her most recent quarterly bill was an entire $5 more than the previous quarter. God help us! Now, $5 is much too heavy a strain on my Yia Yia’s shallow pocket, considering she’s just a poor old widow on the pension. Let’s momentarily ignore the fact that this poor old widow happens to have some $400+ worth of lamb at the ready in her freezer, just in case one of her darling grandchildren pop over for tea. My Yia Yia is by no means a tight-arse, but she is Greek which means she’s not completely opposed to cheating the system (“Those bloody electricity bastards!”). Anyway, that provides some context to our conversation, which went something like this:

“Hermione (Emily), how much you pay for you pantalonia (pants)?”
“Too much, Yia Yia. I’d rather not say.”
“Why you keep secret from you Yia Yia? You no trust me?”
“They were $350, Yia Yia.”
“Pana yia mou! (Mother Mary!). Three five zero? You sure?”
“Yes, quite sure.”
“But how many holes you got?”
“Well, there’s one at each knee, another on my upper right thigh and a fourth on my left ass-cheek. Sexy, no?”
“But koukla mou (my baby doll), you pay this much dollars for pantalonia with four holes?”
“Yes Yia Yia, it’s the fashion now.”
“You tell me you pay so much dollars for so big holes? How much you pay for no holes? Why you no let you Yia Yia fix you pantalonia?”
“No thanks Yia Yia, I like them how they are. And I still haven’t forgiven you for that time when I was seven and you washed my favourite blanket of all its glorious smells.”
“But what think nice boys when they see nice girl like you with holes in her pantalonia? Do nice boy come close or run away?”
“I wouldn’t know, Yia Yia. I mostly attract bad boys. Anyway, nice boys are boring.”
“Maybe this why you no have boyfriend. Why you no dress like nice girl for you Yia Yia? Then maybe you get nice boy too.”
“Boys like holes Yia Yia. Trust me.” (Thankfully the humour in this was lost in translation.)
“When I young girl like you, I no have holes. Girls no wear pantalonia. I wear dresses I make myself.”
‘Well Yia Yia, the times have changed. One day soon I’ll bring home a nice boy and prove you wrong.” (Note to self: find nice boy and entice him with the promise of a slow-cooked lamb on the spit for Sunday lunch at Yia Yia’s.)
“Oh Hermione, you sure you my own granddaughter?”
“Quite sure, Yia Yia. I inherited your elf-like pointy ears and I have the same thick wavy hair and that godawful cowlick which cannot be tamed.”
“That’s why you nice girl like you Yia Yia. Here $20 for you go buy nice beautiful dress. Then maybe you get nice boy before I no here no more.”

Now that I think about it, whatever happened to that $20? Chances are it fell out of the hole in the back pocket of my $350 jeans…oh, pana yia mou!


The Author

My name is Emily and this is a place where I write about all of the things I love (and sometimes the things I don't love). These things I love include all sorts of people: strangers, friends and family alike. And writing of course! I've never liked giving descriptions of myself, so you'll have to read my random banter in order to get to know me.


  1. Thanks. I needed a little chuckle like that. It’s amazing how different the whole world is, but is so much the same.


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